Something Beautiful Remains

Sometimes you still experience misfortune and quirks during grief that make you either ask if you can catch a break or just simply yearn for things to be back to normal, but not the normal one might assume.   As the old saying goes, when it rains – it POURS.  It could be anything from a bad customer service experience, or ongoing mistreatment from a colleague or family member, to another loved one having a health scare.  Could it be though, that overcoming these post-loss setbacks helps you work toward seeing the daily “normal” joys in your new life without your lost loved one? 

Early on I experienced deep sadness at the prospect of life with just me and my boys with dad being gone.   Another familial relationship of mine that has always been difficult, continued to be just THAT … even in the midst of chaos. The opportunity to rise beyond our differences and just be supportive  during a difficult time has presented itself a few times, however it just has never materialized, and the loss of my husband was no exception.   I still hold a lot of resentment over the fact that my sounding board, who used to let me vent about this situation is now gone, and the source of my discomfort remains (not the person per se... but that AWFUL engergy) – still wreaking havoc on my peace of mind.   It just doesn't seem fair.

The good part of all this is that as life continues to roll on, I find myself coming home after a long day, happy to be home with my guys.  It may not be all THREE of my guys, as I would long for it to be.  But the new normal is Mama and her boys.  When I first lost my husband, that newness was even more raw than it still is now, and I just didn’t know how to be. As the months have passed – new routines have been created, new ways of doing things have been forged under the circumstances.  New pathways created… new habits… all of these things have created a new normal that I now MISS when things happen to knock it off kilter.   I realized this when my youngest was hospitalized recently with some breathing issues.    In those scary moments, I found myself longing for a “normal” day – the way it exists for me NOW.  It struck me that a “normal day” was now the circumstance I once viewed as foreign and frankly terrifying.     I have to add that the realization is not always born of something negative… it can even come from something such as returning home from a long trip – and just wanting to be home…home the way it looks NOW – after the passing of your loved one.  It is in those moments that you begin to realize and appreciate the beautiful things that still remain after the saddest of tragedies.